Momsie: Cursing and counting and the tube of cream in the back pocket!

It is important for you to understand upfront, that Evan had hives. Or at least that is what I called them. The doctor at our local clinic called them a virus related “rash”. Never mind the large, swollen, red welts he had covered all over his body, nope just a rash they said related to this nasty virus he has been fighting for over two weeks now. I left the clinic with no prescription and a pamphlet on the definition of rash-vs-hives. I was out $20.00 for the co-pay as well as another $35.00 for the most expensive cortisone cream on the market and the “real” Benadryl, not generic. Generic sucks!
I know what I am talking about people!!

It is also important that you know Evan has been sick for 16 days, 23 hours 14 minutes and 12 seconds. Not that I am counting (of course I am). But you must know this my dear readers to understand my current state of mind. Add on a last minute business trip the Husband springs on me to Las Veags (f**ing Las Vegas but I f**ing Digress). Code- I am out my partner for 6 days and 5 nights (yes I am counting again). I count because I can. It may be the only thing I can do right these days.

Back to my story, or my rant. (I haven’t figured out what this is yet). I will skip over the last 72 hours of more coughing, fever and of course the hives. Yes, that was a lovely 20 minutes when the hives presented themselves on his bottom. One more thing you must know, Evan is a bit “dramatic.” So a normal five year old who scratches his butt probably does so with a bit more discretion. But nooooo, not my little cupcake! He proceeds to strip naked, claw at his butt cheeks, jump up and down in a frantic ritual and scream at the top of his lungs- “It itches It Itches!!!” God help me if this kid ever gets the chicken pox. The good news is we were at home when this scene occurred. The bad news is Benadryl takes at least 20 minutes to kick in and I am now out another $5.00 (it was the only thing that got him to calm down, although I now feel slightly punked).

So here we are to today. Wednesday morning. The illness is finally wrapping up, the cough is better we have been fever free for 24 hours and the hives are tame for now. Yes, ladies and gentleman Evan IS going to school today (zipppty doooo daaaa zipptyyy aaaa.....) But wait…. What is that I see on my calendar circled in red…. Field Trip day??? To the Pumpkin Patch….and WHAT?? I agreed to chaperone?

I don’t curse a lot (this is a lie) but cursing has now taken on a whole new meaning. I like to stomp my feet and jump up and down when I curse. It's my Zumba if you will. And during my Zumbathon something happened. I faced the window and saw grey skies.... clouds.... a minor sprinkle in the air. Halle-freaking-luiah!! Surely, the field trip would be canceled. I mean as fun as that sounded.... But seriously I have to get stuff done today. I have such a small window of time to myself. I need it people I have to have it or I go crazy. In fact I was incredibly impressed with how well I had handled myself to date. So I called the school to double check. I mean of course there wouldn't be a trip. Who sends kids out into a muddy field in the rain?

The School. That's who. The School sends a group of Kindergartners out in the rain and forces the parents who were dumb enough to sign up to go too. I resume my Zumbathon when the 4 year old wanders down into view. He has massive bed head, a trembling lip and soaking wet pajamas.
“Mooommmmyyy… I had an acccciiiddeeennntttt…” He mutters and then begins to cry.
Oh For God's Sake...
"Do you still love me?” He asks in desperation?
So I count to ten (see I told you I was good at something). And I usher him to the bathroom and get him naked. And it is here sweet readers where I bring you back to the hives. Because if it wasn’t for the hives, I wouldn’t have grabbed the cortisone cream I saw on the bathroom counter and stuck it in my back pocket (just in case another butt scratching episode was in store at the Pumpkin Patch) No, I would have put it in my purse, checking to make sure the cap was on tight. Caps need to be screwed on tight because guess what happens when you have a tube of cream forgotten about in your back pocket and then you go sit in your car on the way to a field trip that you are already late for? It explodes. Yes indeedy, it explodes everywhere! All over my jeans, the back of my shirt and the seat. Did you know that car seats have creases and crevasses and everything in between? Yup, they sure do It was bad enough I accidently poured an entire can of diet coke down the gear shaft earlier in the week. Now I have cream everywhere. I hate my life at this point. I hate the cream, I hate my husband for being in Las Vegas, I hate any and all rashes and hives and I hate field trips that take place in the rain that I Hate Hate Hate!
And then it hits me. My euphony(all writers have one and if you have stuck with me this long than you might as well stick around for the euphony) .

I am that person who is constantly living her life in reverse. I don’t know if I am coming or going. I am in too much of a hurry to put things back where they belong. I then get pissed because I can never find anything. I forget about my commitments and always run late because I am too busy looking for my life that is under the overdue library books and 3 day old coffee. I am so stressed out because I am looking to blame someone... anyone... other than myself.

And sometimes I just really, really suck at this Mommy thing.

So I count and I curse and I sit on tubes of cream. I over commit and run late all the time. Yet with all of that being said, the life in reverse thing, something else happens with life. It to has it own counting system. Tick tock tick tock.... There it goes again..... And before I know it, I am standing in a pumpkin field with my son who is now old enough to be in Kindergarten. Evan, who deserved a fun outing after everything he has been through, Evan, whose hand the girls wanted to hold (more than once.....there I go counting again), Evan, who despite my frazzled demeanor, tired face and cream stained pants, told me how happy he was I came with him on his trip.
Evan, who made me a Mommy in the first place.
Then out of nowhere, suddenly, reverse feels normal. For once in the past two weeks I finally feel like maybe I am not so bad at this after all. Maybe I should stop trying to slow down life. Maybe I should let life slow me down instead.
I plan to give it the good ole f**ing try anyways. After of course I count to ten.