Sunday, September 6, 2009

Dear Folks,

Dear Customers and employees of the Chick-Fil-A,

I am not an idiot. I went to college and have a 4 year degree in Sociology. I know how to add 2+2. For all practical purposes, I am relatively qualified to handle my children (most of the time). However, It may not appear so after this afternoon's outing to Chick-Fil-A but wanted to clear up a few loose ends.

First the children you witnessed me dragging out of the restaurant sniffling and wailing are not the same children I gave birth to. No, these are loaners sent to me by the aliens who kidnapped my original precious little boys and replaced them with exact look alikes. I Hope for the original Evan and Ryan to return one day perhaps when they are older, or at least can tie their own shoes, which ever comes first. In the mean time I have to pretend they are mine and tote them around because they get bored, cranky and hungry awfully quick.

Hence our visit to Chick Fil-A yesterday. You may have seen us walk in. That was me who had the look of panic on her face when I realized the line was the size of the Mississippi river. That was also me who kept yelling things like "Stay with Mommy." "Put That Down" and "No you may not have a Brownie for lunch." A certain amount of stress is caused in this type of situation...So I am sure you can understand my emotional state at the time. Especially when the Mississippi River only moves 3/4 of an inch every few minutes. And yes those were my boys/loaners you saw at that point laying on the floor blowing kisses at the trash can. Why didn't I interfere you ask? Because they were happy and quiet and I was able to order! That's why.

I am sure you also saw us walking to our table, me screaming "No running" and the boys running regardless. At this point I would like to address the kind and friendly staff of Chick-Fil-A. The sweet little lady who helped me carry my tray and then offered each child a balloon did settle them down long enough for them to eat most of their lunch and for me to somewhat regain my composure.... It was a pleasant 5 minutes or so... Until the boys harassed me to go play in the glass enclosed Play area. Speaking of which, this is a great concept. No food or drink is allowed in the play area and I love the fact that the glass is relatively noise proof. There is always a line of Mommies in front of the glass watching their offspring play but enjoying the silence on the other side of the glass. Brilliant!!

Yet, this is where you probably last saw me before I turned into Mommyzilla. And it is here that I would also like to address that I don't care what your degree is in...I don't care how smart you are or how many years abroad you may have spent. Until you unleash your offspring into a glass enclosed play area with other children (or perhaps other loaners) and attempt to pull off "coolness" you are in my book just like me. Screwed!!

It began with little things as I am sure you noticed. Me standing up from time to time pointing at the glass (or sometimes feverishly knocking on it) mouthing "no hands" or "be nice." I admit my voice did go up on octave when I caught a glimpse of Ryan walking by the glass happily chewing on a mystery substance. Sorry for those of you I may have knocked down on my way to fling the glass door open and address the situation. So disgusted I was it was only natural for my words to come out backwards "RYAN, DOWN PUT OLD GROSS MOMMY GIVE TO AGAIN DON'T SICK!". Once again I am not an idiot... I just can't form sentences in high stress situations.

I want to thank those of you who were sitting inside the play area and witnessed me addressing the crying 3 year old as to why we don't eat things off of the floor no matter what it is. Your sympathetic looks and head nods were much appreciated but I could have used your mental strength on incident number 2. It really isn't my fault that the little shoe cubbies are well within children grabbing range. Okay so it is sort of my fault that I own a child who likes to collect, analyze and finally organize things in a color coding fashion (actually it's his fathers fault not mine but whatever...). However, Was it so wrong to do this up top in the floating car where only preschoolers aged kids can reach??? Again, I could have really used your support here but instead felt the annoyance of two of you who were ready to leave and couldn't find your children's shoes.... I understood - I did... Hence my tone and backwards talk once again, "EVAN,DOWN NOW SHOES SPANKING!" See...Totally not an idiot. Again thank you for those of you who were patient.

Incident number 3 of course you had my full blessing to stare judge, shake your head and some of you cackle (I heard you.). But look, no one wants their child to have a potty accident so I was only praising him when Ryan announced he had to go poop. Sure he announced to the whole restaurant and knocked over the fica tree in route to the bathroom chanting "Poop is coming.. poop is coming..." But it is my job as his mother to encourage good habits so me running after him clapping my hands and yelling "good job,
that's my boy." really wasn't so terrible was it?

You all have been there right???

Again I would like to address the staff of Chick-Fil-A. Your restrooms are very clean and tidy. However only two stalls??? Really??? This of course almost always ensures a potty neighbor. So who ever you were....Sorry... Surely you must have understood that an adult and two preschoolers shoved inside one small little stall is going to cause a lot of bumping, banging and the occasional "DON'T TOUCH" Shriek. I also want to apologize for the 4 year old who likes to narrate and discuss anything and everything... Describing Ryan's poop being in the shape of a "Christmas Tree" really is kind of funny but I also get pretty gross. You see, I become immune to these sort of things over time. I have no excuse, I am just a Mom who is grateful that the child made it to the bathroom in time.

So it was around or about that time I was ready to leave. You all were probably getting ready to let out a big collective sigh of relief. But noooo....we had to leave you with one final farewell incident didn't we.

At this point I would like to address the staff of Chick-Fil-A One last time and simply ask "What the F**K?" Why, WHY I ASK must you offer ice cream to the kids when you know full well this Mommy has had a enough and ready to leave. Ice cream before nap time equals more screwedness for Mommy who really needs the nap more than they do. So I apologize if my "No, not this time." came out like "IF YOU EVER MENTION ICE CREAM TO MY CHILDREN AGAIN I WILL HURT YOU!!"

"Butttt MOmmmmmyyyyyy......Pllleeaaassseeeee...." I am sure you heard while I griped with the notion that the children's shoes were still in the play area, probably up in the floating car and I had about 5 minutes before I was going to completely lose it. I mean while Sociology is the study of human behavior, it never once prepared me for one child grasping my leg for dear life begging for ice cream while the other child introduces himself to the lady standing near us and informs her that his brother just popped a Christmas tree.

So there you have it...your last vision of me dragging those little people out of the establishment sniffling and sobbing, and that was me babbling incoherently out loud to nobody. I truly do apologize to those of you whose lunch was interrupted by the hurricane of our visit. I truly do not plan for this sort of thing I just wing it and well, neither child left bleeding or bruised so all in all I considered it a relatively decent visit.

Except for the part where after buckling the kids into their seats did I realize that the children were still in their socked feet. Once again I would like to address the staff of Chick-Fil-A.... Thank you for not judging me as we walked back in and ordered the f**ing ice cream. The soft serve vanilla is really yummy. Move your damn shoe cubbies out of kiddo's reach. Or at least put a padlock on them.




  1. WOW!!! Your writing style is awesome. And I could completely visualize everything you went through; and knowing you, could even see some of your facial expressions. Best of luck on your next trip to Chik-Fil-A. Now you know why I go through the drive-thru! ;-}

  2. 1. They should not ask your kids if they want ice cream. Duh. What kid doesn't want ice cream. They should ask you in a whisper or something like that so Evan and Ryan don't hear. Granted, I know they're only trying to be nice but still.
    2. I think your posting is further proof of how great parents of great kids can just have a chaotic 'off day' sometimes. Isn't being a parent the single most #1 humbling experience ever? I admit that I used to be judge kids that I perceived as being too vivacious. I didn't cut their parents any slack either. Now I totally get it. And when people don't cut me any slack I pray that they will be humbled someday, too! I think you probably know who I'm talking about.
    3. Good point about the bathroom. Two stalls really isn't enough. :-)
    4. I like the way you write. :-)

  3. Love your new blog, Mary. I can totally imagine your chick-fil-a experience... and have had similar ones myself. :)



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